You're No Superman
by Kyer
Summary: Linda Park-West unintentionally inspires her husband to develop a new...and potentially annoying trick. Wally, Linda, Jay/Flash I, Max Mercury, Superman, Batman. Comic Books-Universe. Mild Wally/Linda as a married pair. Nothing explicit.


A/N: Ennui has struck big time. All I want to do lately is sleep. So, naturally, the muse struck me backside the head with this at two in the godforsaken morning.

* * *

SPECIAL THANK YOU: to .on. for pointing me towards Detective Comics #241 where Batman...um...just go do what I suggest after reading this at the bottom a/n. It's pretty damned funny.

* * *

"Honey, I love you. But you're no Superman."

Wally West, the Legacy Flash of Keystone City sat in their kitchen, stunned into silence while his wife slowly moved away from his side to accomplish her task.

How could Linda have said such a thing to him?

The red-head's countenance quickly morphed from 'extremely astonished' to his pouting 'sour lemon' face as he again heard the accusatory tone of his wife play in his head like hit song on an Only Top 20 Hits! radio station.

_"Honey, I love you. But you're no Superman."_

Had he said something to tick her off?

No.

Done something to make her wish she'd married the Man of Steel?

No!

So where did the love of his life, the apple of his eye, the anchor for his existence upon God's green Earth, his _Get Out-Of-The-Speed-Force Free_ card get off comparing him to Superman?

Linda picked up the kitchen towels and added them to her laundry pile. "Wally, don't brood like that. If the kids see you they'll argue that because my oldest child does it, throwing a sulk is a perfectly acceptable behavior in this house."

Wally stuck out his tongue at her using his super speed.

"And don't stick out your tongue at me either."

"You can't possibly have seen me do that." Wally pointed out. Who did she think she was...Batman?

"Maybe not, but you just confirmed you did it." She gave him a quick peck on the cheek while shoving a full laundry basket into his arms. "Now, go wash the white clothes, then kindly act like a cantankerous toddler someplace else. Mommy has grown up work to do."

Grumbling, Wally complied by adjusting his grip on the basket as he slid off the kitchen stool in prelude to hiking himself to the washer room. But not before he snagged a handful of cookies from the cookie jar on the counter. After all, didn't he deserve a bit of comfort food when his wife was turning into such a judgmental meanie of the level of The Caped Crusader?

"And put those cookies back. Those are for after dinner."

An instant later, the baked goods were back in the jar, only a little worse for their momentary trip outside the canister.

"How...?"

"I live with the man for years and he asks me that?" Linda rolled her eyes. "Now, shoo!"

* * *

_"Honey, I love you, but you're no Superman."_

"What the hell was that supposed to mean?" a still upset Wally asked of Jay Garrick, his part-time mentor and Flash of the Justice Society of America. "So, yeah, I may not be able to leap over tall buildings, but I can run around them...or over them for that matter...even quicker than Supes can fly."

"Wally..."

"And I sure am a heck of a lot faster than some lame speeding bullet."

"Wally..."

"Okay, maybe I'm not more powerful than a locomotive, but I'm into _quantity_ when it comes to punches. I figure that evens the score, right? I mean, I'm The Fastest Man Alive! I've even got a museum named after me. Show me where Superman has a museum! Besides that Fortress of Solitude thing. I mean, nobody ever goes there anyway save for the penguins."

"Son..."

"As far as the bedroom stuff is concerned, my _up, up, and away_ is not something to sniff at either-"

If Wally had bothered to look up he'd seen an expression of extreme discomfort cross the elder Flash's face. "Would you look at the time? JSA meeting in five seconds. I better get moving if I don't want to be late."

Wally finally seemed to notice his friend was looking a mite antsy. "Jay?"

"Wally, when it comes to such topics, I keep my _'bedroom stuff'_ confined to discussions with Joan? Take it from an old hand at the marriage marathon...wives do _not_ appreciate it when you talk about your sex life with other guys."

"You want me to talk about Linda and her comparing me to Superman with your wife?"

"Good heaven's no!" Jay looked aghast at the thought then sighed, reaching a hand under his helmet to scratch his head. "I mean that this sounds like one of those personal subjects that belongs in-house at it were. Like top-secret classified material. You need to talk about this with _your_ wife."

Ah.

(Yeah, right. Like he could discuss something like this with Mrs. "You're no Superman" Batman Linda.)

* * *

Manchester was sure hot and sunny today, the blue and white garbed superhero mused to himself as he knocked out another trio of would-be opportunists. Heat and humidity seemed to bring out all the crazies...

"So, Max, what do you think? How do I stack up against Superman?"

And the lunacy wasn't just confined to the Alabama population.

"In what way?" Max asked his famous visitor.

"In any way."

Max Mercury finished securing the bank robbers to a light pole before replying, "I'm getting that tingling sensation at the base of my neck that signifies the coming discussion is going to go nowhere fast. You're not Bart in disguise, are you?" His ward, Bart Allen, was always asking inane questions that at first glance and without an instruction manual only made complete sense to Bart.

"That's not funny, Max," Wally huffed. First Superman and now Bart? Did his red and gold uniform not signify anything to anyone anymore? "I mean, I came here..." he trailed off, face going blank. Max waved his hand in front of the Flash.

"Wally?"

"Max...you are brilliant."

"Off hand I'd agree, but that tingling sensation I have just tripled in intensity so I'm going to defer judgment on that for now."

"No, I mean you've given me an idea."

"Oh? Then do me a favor and keep my part of whatever this idea is quiet."

Wally chuckled. "Later, Max! And thanks!"

"Don't mention it. I mean that!" Mercury yelled after the departing red blur. He shook his head.

"Kids."

* * *

Superman had noticed the costumed figure ten minutes before. He'd stopped in the air, hovering above the Daily Planet building for a moment, fully expecting to be hailed for either a social visit or to impart some news of an ongoing calamity that required the powers of two super beings to resolve. Instead, the red figure disappeared. He'd shrugged it off then, but the blur had returned just moments later and had doggedly followed him around the city ever since like some sort of crimson shadow. If he didn't know better, Superman could have sworn that his friend was trying to remain 'below the radar'. But that was silly. Why would Flash be stalking him? He switched to x-ray vision and glanced downward. Not only stalking him, but with a high-speed camcorder in hand?

Okay, enough was enough. It was time he found out what this was about. Superman flew downward. "Flash?"

"Oh...hi, Supes."

"What's with the camera?"

Flash glanced down at the recording device in his hands and blushed. "Oh, just nothing really. Taking in the sights of the city. That sort of thing. Metropolis is so photogenic this time of year." He coughed and began fidgeting in place.

"I see. So you're just here as a tourist? Any 'sights' you wanted to specifically capture on that thing?"

"Er...no. Nothing specific. Just sort of general, touristy-type photography."

"And I just happen to be in all of your shots?"

"You are?" the green eyes widened in feigned surprise. "I hadn't noticed. But then you do fly around a lot up there, Big Blue. Makes sense you'd get in the picture now and then."

Superman crossed his arms. "Flash..."

"Well, it's been nice talking with you, Supes, but other vistas call. Later!"

"...if this is some sort of prank..." Superman rubbed the bridge of his nose. The speedster was already gone and he really wasn't sure he wanted to know anyway. Whatever it was, hopefully it wouldn't end up being too embarrassing for 'the capes.'

* * *

"Wally!" Linda yelled for her husband from the back porch, "I could use some help in the kitchen!" She scanned the area. It was quiet. "Great. Always hanging around under foot when I don't need him, and now that I do..."

"Did somebody call for help?" a blue and red figure leaped down from the roof. "Perhaps I could be of service, little lady?"

Linda's gasped. "Superman?"

"That's what they call me." He stood there before her in his classic pose of legs apart and fists to hips. "I'm Superman. May I ask what it is that you wanted help with?"

"Um..." Linda stammered. "Well, nothing dire. Just some potatoes that need to be peeled and tomatoes sliced-" Superman sped into the house and came back out a moment later. "Done."

"Really?" Linda blinked. It wasn't every gal who could claim they had Superman to help with dinner preparations. "Um...you wouldn't have happened to run across my husband recently, would you?"

"Him?" Superman asked with a snort. "No. Why? Is there something he can do that The Man of Steel can't do better?"

"Well...no..."

Superman seemed to deflate a bit. "No?"

"Well, he's no Superman."

The Man of Steel seemed to wilt even more.

"I mean, he's _Wally_. Kind, yet a bit wishy washy, clueless...not at all like Superman." Superman fidgeted in place.

"Oh."

She stood on her toes and leaned onto him. "But he does make up for all of that in other ways."

"Really?"

"Yes. His attempts at getting one past me keeps me on my toes," she kissed his cheek, "and are rather amusing at times."

"I don't know what you mean-" A snort of laughter shut him up.

"That's par the course for my other half." She stepped back and brushed the cookie crumbs from the large 'S' shield on Superman's chest, "Plus, it's a West Family Fact that Mr. 'I-got-a-fast-metabolism' can't seem to keep away from the cookies before dinnertime."

"I...a weakness for chocolate chip doesn't mean..." Superman grumbled.

Linda rolled her eyes. "Cut the crap. Besides, I don't care what you _look_ like, Wally, you'll always smell like lighting and speed to this nose." She raised an eyebrow. "Strike that. I do care what you look like." She gave him the once over. "Does Superman know you've stolen his uniform? And how did you get your face shaped like his? Hologram? Magic?"

Superman groaned. "Okay, okay, I confess." Slowly, his face and body went out of focus. Black hair became ginger-red, blue eyes became green. The classic blue and red uniform partly coalesced into the more familiar red and gold one so that the blue had bits of red and gold lightning and the 'S' symbol was shaped like a jagged lightning bolt. "What gave me away?"

"You mean besides the incriminating presence of bakery products and Speed Force ozone? Superman called a moment ago to say that you were acting kind of weird. Before that it was Max being his usual cryptic self telling me that to forgive was divine. And before that it was Jay in the same vein imploring me to cut you some slack come what may. Frankly, I was already expecting something off-the-wall before you arrived." She shook her head and laughed. "But I got to admit this one threw me regardless. How?" She gestured at his mixed-up uniform.

Wally scratched the back of his head. "Um...long story?"

"Which for you would amount to a short snippet. Spill."

"Well, since my Flash uniform is really just manipulated Speed Force shaping and coloring itself to an image in my mind's eye, I figured that if I concentrated on something else instead of it.._really_ concentrated on a different image...and added a full mask rather than just a cowl..."

"That explains the camcorder Superman mentioned. He thought maybe you were trying to get publicity shots for me or for one of the kid's school essays."

"Yeah. Hard as heck to keep it up for long, but I thought it came out well." He frowned at the confused Speed Force around him. "I think I need to work on the concentration thing a bit more though."

She ran her hand over the hodgepodge of fashion statements. "Well, honey...you're no Superman." Linda giggled at his woe-begotten face. "Good thing too, because I'm no Loise Lane." She reached up and kissed him on the lips, pressing herself against his warm body. "I'm Linda Parks-West and I'm hopelessly in love with The Flash." The uniform rapidly dispelled the traces of Superman attire as Wally's last bits of concentration fell into disarray under the onslaught.

No, he was no Superman.

He was the Flash...the Fastest Doofus Alive...and there was no one better to be when you were being kissed by the best Flash fan in the world.

* * *

Epilogue:

Batman mumbled something uncomplimentary under his breath as the grinning doppelganger in the Dark Knight suit cheerfully waved at him from across the rooftop. Superman had warned him yesterday that Wally had developed a new Speed Force trick that not everyone would appreciate. Clark had clearly understated the level of how annoying the new talent could be. Bruce considered throwing a batarang at the annoying man, but knew it would just be a waste of ammo. He might look like Batman, but West still had all of the meta-human abilities of...

"Flash!"

"Hey, you said that you didn't want other heroes in your city, Batz." Wally ignored Bruce's glare. He stood upright in his newly acquired black armored uniform, hands grasping the copious material of his black cape, swishing it about a little while unabashedly admiring the effect. "You know, I wonder how this would look in red? The Crimson Bat. I kind of like the sound of that." The duplicate Batman took on a reddish hue. "Oh, cool! I wonder what the other colors would look like?"

Bruce frowned as in the span of a minute Wally went ahead and worked his way through more hues than the Lantern Corps, and considered just how pissed off Linda would be if her husband met with an 'untimely accident'.

* * *

A/N: Dammit, Wally! I was really wanting to do my first ever Flash Comic Book category fic centering on Wally and Linda... and was almost done when Wally just couldn't help dragging in Supes and Batz regardless. So it ended up being yet another Justice League fic. -_-;;

Additional A/N: Okay, now that it won't spoil the fun, go google for pics of Rainbow Batman. I swear I choked with laughter. It's real. It's canon. It's mindboggling funny. Oh the delightful crack one can find in the Golden and Silver age covers.


End file.
